Most of my life, I’ve been torn between two opposites:
It has been quite a challenge to navigate these two opposite energies on a daily basis.
Every time I stand up for myself and go for what I really want to do, I hear an inner voice that says: “Have you considered the impact of your actions on other people? Are you willing to cause a conflict for your selfish needs?” If I feel I may inconvenience someone with my actions, I immediately feel guilty.
And on the other hand, if I give in to someone in order to preserve the peace and be nice, I immediately kick myself and another inner voice calls me a spineless doormat.
At first, these two energies were completely unconscious, and a source of endless frustration, and self-criticism. I was constantly involved in push – pull situations, starting something and stopping because I felt guilty of not pursuing the opposite. I was never 100% happy with my attitude and was constantly second-guessing myself.
Astrology helped bring clarity to this: looking at the nodes of the Moon, and astrologer pointed out that negotiating, preserving the peace, compromising, were all part of my comfort zone. I was good at it, and I did it naturally without thinking.
But I did it so much that I took it too far: compromising my needs and wants too much, in order to please others; wanting to keep the peace at all costs; being ultra-attentive to any conflict that may arise and trying to prevent it. That was stressful and exhausting. For me, the balance between self-assertion and compromise was tilted too much toward the second. And so one of my greatest challenges is to learn to rebalance the scales in favor of assertion. Standing up for myself, and setting healthy boundaries is my path toward growth.
This was a Eureka moment. It gave me clarity, and now I can make conscious choices. I’m still giving in and compromising, but I do it in awareness. And I know that when it feels uncomfortable when I stand up for myself, it’s due to growing pains and is ultimately for my own good.
It also comforted me that I wasn’t crazy: these antagonizing voices are normal. Everyone has the nodes of the Moon in their birth chart, and so everyone has such a comfort zone and a growth zone.
Balancing compromise and assertiveness is one of my main challenges. It’s not easy, but finally being able to name the issue is a tremendous help!